feel like im on an emotional rollercoaster. really shld be sleeping now seeing as i have a phys test tml but i wanna say this first.

i guess i am a particular person. i midn when pple do small little things and they really eat away at me until i will like make noise. like when pple take the newspapers upstairs when other pple haven read yet. and when pple dun flush the toilet. yah little things like dat really irk me. ok. i just get irritated easily. i always had a short temper (esther would know) but i guess as i grew up i learnt to conceal it better. but tt doesnt make my temper any less bad ok. and when its pushed i explode really easily. yes its true i get pissed really easily. i guess normally i dun show it so noone knows im pissed... i just act happy happy and stuff and it goes away after a while. but somethings i just cant stand anymore. maybe last yr i seemed like a different person. more easy going or less angry... but its just tt i was always like tt but last yr i din have any thing tt pushed me far enough to show my temper but now there is. so i show it, ok? and i guess the more i know a person the more i show the person how angry i am if im pissed with them. and also its the degree of annoyance. yah ok it may seem small but it really pisses me off... i feel like im being worn down. my patience is wearing thin and there is a limit tt i will go to.

anyway some really bad news came to me today. auntie jackie, uncle kk's wife has a lump in her breast. may be cancerous they dunno yet... i was like qt affected when i heard it i guess... i almost cried right there in the library. i know tt sometimes i complain abt uncle kk's sermons... like too boring or long winded at times but i really see the love and effort he has put into the youth ministry and i really do feel for him and his boys too. i really hope tt its not serious and tt everything will be fine... will be prayign super hard and i hope everyone will too! mummy was saying tt tts wad the devil does. he will throw obstacles in the way of the pple hu are in the forfront doing work for God and yah i guess its true cos its like it came at this pt of time when we just had leaders retreat and like everyone is on a high and the youth ministy, i feel has made sweeping changes this yr tt are really working out for the better and i guess the devil is super unhappy with tt... i just pray tt uncle kk will keep holding on and nv give up. i think i speak for all when i say tt his sincerity shines thru when he leads us and i think hes liek so fatherly and loving. it really hurts me tt he has to go thru this...

and like tho i heard this and was so sad. after a while my owm problems consumed me. wad is wrong with me man. im such a selfish person tt i cant even put my own selfish problems behind me tt i can even forget abt how other pple are suffering and just think of my own petty hurts and angers. i had to like scold myself for tt... i dunno lah. i wanna be a missionary yet im like such a bad person. i have so many sins and i havent even leart to put God first at all times. how am i supposed to go and teach others to follow Him when i cant even set a good example? feel really qt lost now... i dunno lah. i always want everything to turn out rite and i always expect them to but so often it doesnt and it hurts me and i dunno. its not like i feel far frm God now or anything. just tt i feel so inadequate and demoralised. Dear Lord, please help me...